


I Don't Got to Hit the Lotto (I Got a Lot of Loving for Free)

by br0ken_hands



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Gen, Team as Family, background beau/yasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 18:10:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br0ken_hands/pseuds/br0ken_hands
Summary: She hadn't noticed it the next morning initially. She had woken up, felt for all her limbs, made sure her face hadn't been rearranged during the night, and when all felt right and well, had begun the process of bending down to tidy up her sleeping roll. Which is, of course, when Jester notices it."Hey, Yasha?""Yeah?""Is that your tail or are you just happy to see Beau?"or, Yasha is cursed with a tail





	I Don't Got to Hit the Lotto (I Got a Lot of Loving for Free)

This was supposed to be a simple mission. The Nein were supposed to go retrieve some item of worth out of a creepy maze of tombs under some lord's property, return with whatever the last adventuring party left in there, and get rewarded handsomely. This wasn't supposed to happen. Yasha wasn't supposed to walk into a room, watch the glyphs on the walls explode in vibrant green, feel a dull ache in the back of her spine, and yet appear unscathed. She wasn't supposed to still feel the throbbing after Jester attempted a healing spell on her. She wasn't supposed to fall asleep with your heart in her throat wondering what it was that happened. 

And Yasha, most certainly, wasn't supposed to wake up with a tail.

She hadn't noticed it the next morning initially. She had woken up, felt for all her limbs, made sure her face hadn't been rearranged during the night, and when all felt right and well, had begun the process of bending down to tidy up her sleeping roll. Which is, of course, when Jester notices it.

"Hey, Yasha?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that your tail or are you just happy to see Beau?"

Yasha had learned, after some confused questions and good-natured ribbing, that a question in roughly that format was supposed to be a sexual innuendo. She looks over at Beau who's still half-asleep and grumpily stuffing her own sleeping mat into her bag. She doesn't think she's feeling immediate sexual arousal because of her at the moment.

"Um... No?"

Jester laughs. "No, silly, I mean that you've got a tail!"

Yasha frown. As far as she's aware, she's never had a tail. Wings, yes, but not a tail. She turns your head over your shoulder to look, but see nothing. She turns to the other side. Just packed dirt on the side of the road.

"Jester, I don't have a tail, what are you saying?"

"Look, it's moving so you can't see it!" Jester giggles.

"Oh Jes, leave the poor woman alone." Fjord cuts in, walking past to put his bag in the cart, "She just woke up- oh."

Fjord's face creases into a frown.

"What?"

"It's nothing, it's just..."

"Do I have something on my face?"

Fjord points roughly towards the small of her back. "No, you have... a tail."

She looks over both sides of your shoulders once more. Nothing.

"Yasha?"

"What?" Yasha's getting a little frustrated now, which feels appropriate given that your friends are telling her that she has a tail she clearly can't see.

"Every time you move your head to look, it flits to the other side so you can't see it."

Giving a frustrated huff, Yasha spins around very quickly trying to catch a glimpse of it.

"Yo... what the fuuuuuuuuuuck..."

Beau's staring at her now, the movement having caught her eye.

Yasha sighs. "I have a tail?"

"Uh, yeah."

Yasha rubs your temples angrily. It's literally been ten minutes since she woke up. Maybe she's just dreaming. Maybe... She reaches around and grabs at the soreness at the small of her back and feel... fur.

"Oh, dear gods."

Reaching up, she finally feels the end of the tail and brings it around to get a good look at it. It's long, thin, and brown. Like a monkey's tail. Dear gods, she has a monkey's tail. Her other hand flies to its base. And it ripped through her pants too. Great. Absolutely thrilling.

In her hand, the tail twitches and seems to wave at her. Yasha tentatively waves back.

"Can you control it?" 

Yasha turns back to Fjord just as the tail wraps itself around her wrist. "No, I don't think so... It's like it's got a mind of its own."

The tail prods at her fingers until she loosen them and it crudely pulls up the middle finger. Yasha sigh in exasperation.

Beau and Jester dissolve into cackles.

"Oh my, that's curious..."

Cadeuces approaches Yasha and at this moment she couldn't have wished more for Molly to be here. At least they wouldn't be weird about her having a tail.

"Can I touch?"

Before Yasha can even say yes, the tail uncoils itself from her wrist and reaches over to Cadeuces, poking around at his large firbolg hands.

"Oh, that's lovely, hello there."

Yasha's not quite sure how lovely it really is.

"Do you think this was from the runes yesterday?" Beau asks, and Yasha's thankful for the diversion of your attention just as her tail begins to awkwardly pet Cadeuces' hand. 

Fjord shrugs. "I think Caleb would be a better candidate for answering this sort of question." He turns to the other side of the cart. "Cay?"

The bedraggled wizard pops up, blinking away the sleep from his eyes. "Ja?"

"We have a... curious case on our hands. Mind giving it a look?"

Caleb sleepily makes his way forward with Nott clinging to his pant leg. "How can I... oh." His eyes widen at the tail, "That."

"Yeah, this."

The tail has now moved on to caressing Cadeuces' armoured arm and Yasha tries to tug it off to no avail. That's some strong muscle on that tail.

"Right. Ehm. Give me... give me 10 minutes."

Everyone sits at that, giving the Wizard time to cast his spells. Sometime between then, the tail gets bored with Cadeuces' armour and moves onto Yasha's nose, trying to make her sneeze. Snatching it from her face, Yasha pins it to the ground, wincing in pain. Gods, it's connected to her nervous system? The tail seems to pay no mind, squirming in her grip on the ground and trying to reach a spooked Frumpkin.

Caleb clears his throat. "Okay, I think that it's a curse. Probably from the runes from yesterday, but I'm not sure, I can't tell much more from my spell."

"Can a restoration spell get rid of it?" Ah, bless Fjord, always the solver.

Yasha shakes your head. "Jester tried one last night but that didn't work. Maybe a spell that's more powerful than anything we're carrying right now will do the trick, but I don't think we're equipped for that kind of thing right now."

"Oh no, does that mean Yasha's going to start to turn into a gorilla every night then?"

Caleb sighs. "Jester, apes don't have tails."

\--

Despite the shock of having a tail that is not only prehensile but also one Yasha has no control over, she discovers that there do exist redeeming qualities about this tail. 

For one, it has a sense of humour, as proven when it tried to pull Yasha's pants down around her ankles. Mostly for Jester's amusement, she thinks, because it waves jovially when Jester bursts into a fit of laughter. It is also a master of emotions. Particularly innocence. It could probably steal Caleb's books from his hands as he's reading it and still manage to convince him through a series of sad wiggles that it was, in fact, Yasha who took them. In addition, the tail ends up conveying all of her emotions. Her resting bitch face, as Fjord calls it, is effectively useless when it practically stands vertically when she's spooked. She's not that big a fan of that feature.

Last, and certainly not least, it is proficient in the art of escape. After the third time it picked up a rock and chucked it at the back of Fjord's head, the Nein had wrangled the tail and tied it tight to Yasha's torso. 

Not three minutes later, another pebble bounced off the back of the half-orc's dome.

Yasha takes it back. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about having this tail at all, except for the fact that it seems to have a vested interest in her safety and survival and has, just once, wrapped itself around Caleb's hand as he was fleeing and dragged her, painfully, out of an incoming fireball. For which she is thankful, but given that the fire might have singed the tail enough to end its wretched life, maybe not.

\--

It isn't until the third night, when Beau's trying to get the tail to stop trying to jam itself up her nostril while she sleeps, that Jester bursts into the little hut Caleb's set up, eyes alight. 

"I have a solution."

Yasha sits up immediately, snatching her tail from Beau's face and holding it in a vice grip. "Oh thank the gods."

Jester nods. "It's really simple, I just have to cast this one spell on you..."

She reaches forward and Yasha flinches for a second as her tail whips back and forth anxiously in her hand. Warmth radiates out from Jester's fingertips and rolls down her body and suddenly, with a little wave, her hand is empty and the tail is gone.

"Oh."

Yasha feels around awkwardly at the small of her back. There's no evidence of there ever being another appendage there other than the hole in her pants.

Jester beams. "Isn't it cool? I just remembered I had it!"

Beau frowns from her place beside Yasha "... remembered? Jester, how long have you had this spell?"

"Since, like, Hupperdook?"

Yasha positively blanches, even paler than she usually is. "So you're saying you could have fixed this the morning we discovered it."

Jester shrugs. "Well, I would have had to remember that I had the spell and prepare it, so at most it would have been the morning after, but yep! It's gone now though, right?"

Yasha sighs fondly, patting Jester's hand. "It is. Thank you, Jester."

It's gone now. That's what she'll think about. Not the pantsing that happened on the side of the road, not how it tried to tickle Beau in the dead of the night and dodged out of the way when Beau slapped at it, half asleep, or Beau's palm then landed hard across Yasha's nose, nope, she's not going to think about any of those. 

It's gone now, and quite frankly, for the better. 

She'll still have to stitch her pants back together.

\--

The next morning, Yasha wakes and the first thing she does is pat at her back. Flat. Empty. Not furry. Good. She sighs in relief and pulls herself to her feet, stepping outside of the hut to stretch. Fjord and Beau are already up making breakfast and she plods over to join them, sitting on grass wet with the morning dew. 

Beau shuffles closer to her and Fjord looks up, nodding good morning, then frowns.

"I, uh, don't mean to disturb you, but..."

Wide-eyed, Yasha pats at anything Fjord could see. Her face, shoulders, chest, arms, nothing. Nothing seems out of the ordinary.

"What?"

Beau giggles a little and Yasha grows more indignant. "What?"

"Nothing, he's playing with you."

Yasha glares daggers at Fjord, who just sits back and shrugs, a mischievous grin on his face. 

Oh, how proud Molly would be of these idiots now. Still, Yasha's going to kill Fjord in his sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> There is absolutely NO reason this exists except for that one time half a year ago when I thought it'd be really funny if we gave someone on the M9 a tail. But Cad and Jester already have them, it's tacky to give Caleb, a known cat-lover and owner, one, and Beau and Fjord would likely just be equally peeved as Nott about it, but Yasha. Oh, my sweet darling Yasha.  
> Also, last episode was really rough and I just want some lovely fluff and crack. This team really loves Yasha and Yasha really loves them, wisdom scores be damned.  
> Jester cast Remove Curse, a 3rd level Abjuration spell available to Clerics, Paladins, Warlocks, and Wizards (PHB 271).
> 
> Title from The Lotto by Ingrid Michaelson
> 
> tumblr: frumpkinspocketdimension  
> discord: SweetBabyRae#0967


End file.
